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Welcome to Every Brain is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent, Board Certified Music Therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism. And Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.

This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.

Transcript:

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Every Brain is Different podcast. It is Samantha and Lauren with you here today. That was a weird way to say that, but we're here, and we are talking about what it might look like after your kids go back to school, and what you might be seeing at home.

So first things first, though, does [00:01:00] anyone else miss their kids? Like, I was so excited for my kids to go back to school because I was just completely overwhelmed and overstimulated with having them all day, every day. A lot of my friends homeschool, and like, how, how do you do that? Like-

Lauren Ross: How do you do that?

Samantha Foote: I would lose my mind. So I was kind of excited for my kids to go back to school, but they have been gone, they went back to school last Wednesday, and the first few days I was like, oh, like just, I was just like-

Lauren Ross: Getting back into your routine with school.

Samantha Foote: Getting back into my routine and everything, and it was, it was good. But then yesterday and today, I miss my kids-

Lauren Ross: Where my babies?

Samantha Foote: ... so much. Yeah! So my boys have been in school for a few years now, but my daughter just went to school this year, and I'm like, "I miss my little buddy." Like, I liked it. Yeah.

Lauren Ross: I was just gonna ask if she's going full-time now. I couldn't remember-

Samantha Foote: Yeah, she's full-time.

Lauren Ross: What stage she was at.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, and I think [00:02:00] she misses me too, because like yesterday she came home and did not leave my side for two, three hours after she got home, and the only reason why she left my side was 'cause her dad asked her if she wanted to watch a show on Netflix, and she was like, "Yeah." But like, we danced to Taylor Swift, and she would not let me like, dance by myself. I had to be holding her while we danced. And then we did tumbling routines and all this stuff, and she was just like, "Mom." So I think the feeling is mutual that we both like, just really miss each other. So it will get some getting used to for sure, but I was like, "Oh, I'm so excited."

Lauren Ross: Hard transition.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah! And so that's what we're talking about today is the transition when your kids go back to school and what you might be seeing and what they might be doing that you might be like, "What? Where did my child go?" So for example, if your kid comes home from [00:03:00] school and they were an angel all day at school, and then they come home and they just have meltdowns over the smallest things- That means you are a fantastic parent.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. Yes.

Samantha Foote: Don't forget that. It means that you are their safe place. They don't have to mask anymore. They can just let their feelings out, and I don't want kids to mask at school, but often kids do mask their feelings, mask their behaviors. And when we say mask, let's say they need to use a fidget at school, but they don't have a fidget, and so they're just gonna make themselves hold still. Like, that is masking what they truly need. Or instead of having a meltdown over something, they mask it, and so then it just builds and builds and builds and builds, and then they get home and the smallest little thing sets them off because they've been masking all day, and, like, that just builds up. The stress builds up.

Lauren Ross: And I think sometimes they don't, might not even realize, like, that they're doing it, that [00:04:00] they're masking until they get to that, that safe space of home, and then they know they have that unconditional love for Mom or Dad or whoever the caregiver might be.

Samantha Foote: Yeah.

Lauren Ross: Unloads.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

So I knew someone, and I've said this before on the podcast, but it's been a while and I'm gonna say it again. She was in high school and she had the craziest meltdowns when she would get home from school, and- her mom was like, "Why? What is going on? You are so calm during school and you're so congenial and so happy, and then you come home and you're just angry." And she said, "Mom, I can keep it together at school or I can keep it together at home. Where would you like me to keep it together? Because I'm around stupid people all day long at school." And so just realize that, that your kids are trying to hold it together because they know that's what's socially appropriate, and then [00:05:00] they're just overwhelmed when they get home.

So the best thing you can do is just validate their feelings, let them know that it's okay. Help them with coping skills, obviously. Like, we don't want them having meltdowns. But help them with their coping skills and help them understand, "Okay, you're upset. Here's what we do when we're upset." And remember to practice that when they're not upset. So, you know, at the beginning of the day while you're doing their hair, be like, "What are you gonna focus on today, um, when you get upset? What are you going to do so that you can calm down?" And talk through the things that they can do. And you can practice breathing.

There, okay, I just saw this on Harkla. Harkla, not a sponsor. Maybe they should be, because they are amazing. I just got, I took a course from them about sensory processing and to do activities, like, there's activities that you can [00:06:00] do with your kids who have trouble with sensory processing, and they help all the senses integrate together. Which, if your kid is having meltdowns, that's a fantastic thing to do because you're having a meltdown 'cause you're overstimulated. And so if all your senses can work together, you'll be less overstimulated. So now I'm on their email list, and I might go broke because today they sent out a thing and they're like, "Look at all our sensory, like... things that we can have." And they have blankets and stuffed animals, like weighted blankets, weighted stuffed animals, and like this thing that, like, hugs you.

But what I was going to say is they have these dice that you can roll, and it's a movement break that you can do. So if your kid needs movement or if they're gonna have a meltdown and they just need movement, that's one of the coping skills that they have. You can just give them the dice and be like, "Roll the dice and see what movement we're gonna do." Or they [00:07:00] also have cards. They have sticks. They have all different things- ... for sensory activities. Yes.

Lauren Ross: A gameplay as well.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to talk to them and see if they will be a sponsor, so yeah. That's coming maybe. Anyway, we'll see if we can get-

Lauren Ross: We're gonna put it out there. Good vibes.

Samantha Foote: We'll see if we can get you all a discount. How about that? That would be cool.

Lauren Ross: That would be nice.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. So keep listening because maybe we're gonna get a sponsor. Who knows? Or at least just a discount code for y'all. That'd be cool. But yeah, so practice coping skills before you need the coping skill. And then when they get home from school, make sure they're fed. Make sure they drink- make sure they drink some water. Maybe, I heard this thing on TikTok, this mom was super upset because her kindergartner didn't drink water all day because he didn't know that he had a water bottle. [00:08:00] He didn't take it out of his backpack, and so he drank no water the entire day, and he got home, and he's, "Mom, I'm so thirsty," because he didn't realize that she packed him a water bottle. So-

Lauren Ross: Out of sight, out of mind ...

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Pack your kids a water bottle to go to school. Tell them that there's a water bottle in their backpack because kids, I have learned, they will not look in their backpack for things unless their teacher tells them to. I will send things to school, and they're just like… And they'll get home from school and be like, "Why didn't you give that to your teacher?" "I didn't know it was in there." “I told you before you went to school that it was in there,” but, you know.

Lauren Ross: Do you, do you put a little sticky note-

Samantha Foote: Yeah ...

Lauren Ross: teacher, please check my kid's backpack.

Samantha Foote: No, I will write an email to the teacher and say, "I sent this to school in my kid's backpack. Please get it out." And maybe send an email to the teacher and just say, "Please tell my kid to get his water bottle out." Obviously, don't send that every day. Remind your kid, but maybe at the beginning of the [00:09:00] year, you can ask the teacher and see what they'll do.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: I don't want teachers to come at me though and be like, "Don't tell parents to email us and tell them to get their kid a water bottle." I don't know if teachers actually want me saying that, but you can try and see what happens.

Lauren Ross: Blame Sam.

Samantha Foote: And then blame me and be like, "Sam said to do it." Yeah. But make sure when your kids get home from school that they have water, that they have a snack because sometimes you send kids to school with a snack, and they don't eat the snack. Or they don't have time to eat lunch, and so- They

Lauren Ross: They didn't, they didn't get it in that-

Samantha Foote: They’re hungry. Yeah ...

Lauren Ross: that 15 minutes that we told you to prep them.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My daughter came home from school, and she was like, "I had to throw half my lunch away." And I'm like, "Why?" And she said, "Because I didn't have time to eat it." And I'm like, "So we need to practice. We're gonna practice putting time limits on her food so that, at mealtime, so that she can learn to eat a little bit faster." I think that schools should have longer lunch periods, but I don't know how [00:10:00] they would with how many kids they have to feed in that short amount of time. So until they figure out a different solution, we're just gonna have to teach our kids to eat faster, I guess.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: But yeah, but make sure they have food, make sure they have water, and give them some downtime. Like we talked about last week, too, you don't have to make memories every day. You don't have to make, like, lifetime memories every day. It's okay for them to come home and just, live.

Lauren Ross: Chill.

Samantha Foote: Just chill. If they need some screen time, give them some screen time. Like we've talked about before, especially kids with PDA, sometimes screen time is how they decompress, and they actually need that screen time. For other kids, it might make them worse if they have screen time. You just have to figure out what works for your kid. But don't be afraid to give them screen time if that's what they need to just decompress, dissociate for a while and just check out, ya know?

Lauren Ross: Not for the rest of [00:11:00] the night, but.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Hey everyone, Samantha here, and I'm thrilled to invite you to join me for something special, the Parenting Power Hour. This is your chance, parents of neurodivergent kids, to bring your questions directly to me and fellow parents in the room. We're here to help you develop actionable plans that really work so you can finally stop the meltdowns and find peace in your home. As a mom to three kids with ADHD and autism, I've seen and been through the challenges too. So trust me, we'll find solutions together that fit your family. Don't miss out on the Parenting Power Hour. It's a free online monthly gathering every second Thursday of the month from 12:45 to 1:45 Mountain Standard Time. Visit everybrainisdifferent.com to reserve your spot today.

And so another thing that might come up, if your kid is going to school, maybe they went to school like the first couple days completely [00:12:00] fine, and now they're like, "Nope, don't wanna do this anymore."

I remember one of the kids, just this kid that I know, they went to school their first day of kindergarten, and they came home, and their mom was like, "How was that?" And they were like, "Oh, it was great." And then that night their mom said, "You need to go to bed." And they're like, "Why?" "Well, it's a school night." "No, I went to school this morning." "No, you have school every day now." "What? I have to go back?" And some kids might not realize that they have to go back to school every day.

But if your kid is refusing to go to school, there are some things, like the novelty wears off, and so now they're like, "I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm over it." Especially if they have-

Lauren Ross: Like most adults don't wanna go to work ...

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah, like most-

Lauren Ross: We're over it

Samantha Foote: ... adults don't wanna go to w- to work. I don't know why adults think that kids are somehow different than they [00:13:00] are. Like, adults typically don't wanna go to work. School is a kid's work.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: So why are we surprised when they don't wanna go to school every day?

Lauren Ross: Yeah. That, that's the thing is they're like, they act mad and surprised.

Samantha Foote: Yeah.

Lauren Ross: What did you expect?

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. And if your kid does not wanna go to school, there are some things. So if they have pathological demand avoidance, or PDA, you can set it up as this is a non-negotiable, like we've talked about before, have non-negotiables and negotiables, and negotiate everything under the sun that you can, and the non-negotiable is, are the things that you have to do.

For example, for my son, the non-negotiable is he has to go to school. The negotiable is that he gets to pick his clothes. He gets to pick if he wants to do his hair, because his hair, like- [00:14:00] It looks fine if you don't, like, style it every day.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: But does he really, really, does he really have to style his hair every day to go to school? Like, that, that does not matter to me. And that might, that might really matter to you as a parent, and so you can make that a non-negotiable. I'm just telling you what we negotiate and what we don't negotiate. And sometimes he does do his hair. Like, a lot of times he does do his hair. But, like, this morning I said to-

Lauren Ross: It’s up to him.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, it's up to him. So he gets to pick his clothes, and honestly, some of the clothes that he picks, I'm like, "Really? That's what you're wearing today?" But it, as long as it matches the weather, as long as he's not gonna freeze to death or be overly hot, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Will we work on that as he gets older to wear.. better clothes, I guess you could say. I'm not a fan of the [00:15:00] sweats and T-shirt look, but that's fine for right now. Like, he-

Lauren Ross: Yeah. Is that the battle you really wanna fight?

Samantha Foote: Yeah, I don't wanna fight that battle. As we get older, and as he has to go to different places that you have to wear nicer clothes to, obviously I'm going to teach him you can't wear sweats and a shirt when you go to a job interview. But guess what? He's in elementary school. It does not matter right now. If he can feel comfortable in the clothes he's wearing to go to school, I am not going to fight that battle.

The other thing is, I let him choose what he wants to eat for lunch. And you know what he eats? He eats Cheerios and jerky every day. And one meal is not gonna kill him to eat Cheerios and jerky. And so, is he getting a vegetable? Is he getting fruit? Absolutely not, not at school, but he can have those things when he comes home, and he does eat those things when he comes home. And so the school [00:16:00] might be judging me 'cause of what I let him eat at school, but that's a negotiable. I let him choose his own meal. And ooh, I just realized we did not send Kool-Aid with him to school today. But I haven't gotten a call from the school, so I assume everything went well. Because he usually take, he usually takes Kool-Aid, jerky, and Cheerios. But yeah. He never drank Kool-Aid, and then his grandma introduced him to it, and I was like, "Why would you do that?" But it was only a month ago, so maybe his fascination with it will-

Lauren Ross: Die off? ...

Samantha Foote: die off. We'll see what happens. But that's also a negotiation that we have right now. Do I love that he's drinking Kool-Aid all the time? No. But one good thing that happened, she, when she introduced him to Kool-Aid, she puts like, less than half the amount of sugar that's normally in it, and so that's what he's used to, so that's how he drinks it. Like, [00:17:00] with no sugar. I think he made some the other day that didn't even have any sugar in it, and he just likes the flavoring. So, that's a negotiable. Like, am I super, am I super excited that he's, like, drinking Kool-Aid all the time? No. But is it the worst thing that could happen if it's allowing him to not have that anxiety at school? I'm okay with it.

And then the other thing, if your kid is having a hard time, like, going to school, obviously keep the routine. Keep a morning routine, keep the routine after school, like, as much as you can so that they feel secure in that routine, and then going to school is just part of the routine. And so they're not constantly being interrupted with other things, and that amps up the nervous system, where if they have the routine, then they know what's happening, and their nervous system stays more regulated.

The last thing... No, there's two more things. The other thing is to set up [00:18:00] positive reinforcement. So my son came to me and said, "What can I do to earn a Lego set?" And I said, "You can wake up every day, get dressed, and go to school without meltdowns or without arguing." Yeah. And he was like Is there anything else I can do? And I said, "No. You're gonna go to school anyway, so you might as well earn a Lego set for going to school." And he actually said that he didn't want to earn the Lego set that way, but he's gone to school, so I'm like, "Whatever." But, um, but you can implement, like, positive reinforcement to help your child with that motivation to do what they need to do. Um, honestly, it doesn't work for some kids. Like, for my son, if he doesn't wanna do something, there is no positive reinforcement in this world that will [00:19:00] make him do something that he doesn't wanna do if he's decided that he's not gonna do it. Like, there's nothing that, when he gets it in his brain, we have to try other ways, because positive reinforcement is not it. But for my other kid, positive reinforcement is king. Like, you can say, "I will let you have more screen time if you do this," he will do it every time. It just depends on your kid, but that's one thing that you might think about doing if you're having a lot of issues with your kid going to school, is just implementing a small reward. And it doesn't have to be forever. I've found that if you implement the reward, after they do it for a while, you can just take it away and, like, slowly phase it out, and then that just becomes the standard. That's just what they do, 'cause they have that. They get that intrinsic motivation. Some things take longer than others, but I have found that works the best.

Like for [00:20:00] example, my s- my one son was having a hard time going to his church class on Sunday, and he said, "If I go to my church class for four Sundays in a row, can I have this toy?" And I said, "Yeah, you can." And so after those four Sundays, he was like, "Well, and what can I earn now?" And I'm like, "Well, you've shown me that you can go to church, your church class, without any issues, so that's just what I expect now." And he was like, "Oh, that makes sense." That doesn't happen every time, but that's the goal. When you work with your kids for that goal.

The last thing, if your kid is refusing to go to school, um, and you're having a power struggle with them, maybe in the morning, like they get up and you say, "It's time to go to school," and they say, "There's no way I'm going to school," and you feel that power struggle coming, just, if you can, I realize this is not- available for everyone, but if you can, switch out caregivers. So this [00:21:00] happened before where my son was like, "I'm not going to school today, and you can't make me." And I felt that power struggle, and I was like, "I'm just gonna step away." And I went to my husband and I said, "You need to go talk to him, and please help him understand that he needs to go to school." And I don't know what was said, but my son got dressed and he went to school, and there was no issues. And so sometimes just changing the caregiver can help them come around and do what needs to be done, so, yeah.

Lauren Ross: I think, also with that is, like, communicating with, with each other, 'cause you don't want dad to go in there, like, "You go to school or you don't have your fun." Like, you need to, like, communicate what the boundaries are, I think, sometimes, too. Because I, I've seen that in action, where the parents think or people think they're on the same page, but they’re not.

Samantha Foote: Absolutely! We're gonna have a whole episode about parent communication. Yeah. Because that's happened to us, [00:22:00] where my kids will be like, "Dad said I could do this." I'm like, "In what world would you be able to do that?" And their dad did say that they could do it, and I'm like, "Why would you ever say that?" Like, to me, it was completely obvious that no, that's not an option. But to him he was like, "Well, this is an option."

Or sometimes, like, we were on vacation once and my son asked for soda at 11:30, and my husband was like, "No, we don't have soda until noon." If it was me, 11:30 is close enough and I would've just been like, "You do you, dude. We're on vacation. You go get your soda."

Lauren Ross: 11:30, it's fine.

Samantha Foote: But that just shows, yes, you need to have communication with your parenting partner so that you're on the same level, so you're not offering rewards that the other partner is not comfortable with, or you're not instituting consequences that the other partner's not comfortable with. Absolutely. That was a [00:23:00] fantastic point to bring up. So I love it.

We really should have... We're gonna do that next week, so stay tuned. Next week we're gonna be talking about communication with your parenting partner. And if your parenting partner and you do not live together, how does that communication work? 'Cause-

Lauren Ross: And if you both are neurodivergent.

Samantha Foote: And if you're both neurodivergent- Yeah. Yes. So stay tuned for that. But that is our episode for today. So just to wrap up, if your child is having meltdowns when they come home from school, realize that it's because you're their safe place and you're being a great parent, and they just feel safe having meltdowns with you. And so you can practice coping skills with them. You can make sure they are fed, you can make sure they have enough water and their sensory system, like they have enough sensory input. Um, and then if your kid is refusing to go to school because the [00:24:00] novelty's worn off and they are just over it, then create non-negotiables and negotiables, like what can you negotiate about going to school? Set up positive reinforcement, if you have not done that, and then keep the routine the same so they feel secure knowing what's gonna happen, for the most part. And then when you feel a power struggle coming, if at all possible, switch caregivers that are talking to the child so that you don't get into a power struggle, 'cause you definitely don't wanna do that.

And if you have any questions, you wanna talk through things, whatever you want, um, you can join our neurodivergent parenting community at everybrainisdifferent.com, and we hope you have a great week.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.